Have you seen her lately? My goodness she looks FABULOUS!

I look back just one year ago, and am astonished at how far I have come in just 365. Last September, I was at the beginning of a medical diagnosis, at the end of a dead end job, and in the middle of fighting a war within my heart.

Just 365 days later.....

I have found a wonderful doctor. That in 2 short weeks has "rediagnosed". Set a treatment plan. And in just 9 days of treatment, I can see DRASTIC improvement in my legs. I can not even begin to explain the joy this is bringing to my personal war with my health and my appearance. I mean wow, if I were less vain I'd post pictures. But, alas  I can not bear that the world know what I've been fighting. Just believe, a new... better... healthier (perhaps more vain) alas, happier ME is in full view. I've lost 5 lbs in 1 week. (Mind you I do battle edema and fluid retention standard dieting rules don't apply just yet). The amount of fluid gone from legs amounts to at least 1 lb. Add the rest of my body thats (fluid) thats another. And 3  lbs of natural (or unnatural) weightless. And TADAA 5 lbs. I have also been diagnosed with severe Sleep Apnea. I stopped breathing 192 times in 4 hours my oxygen levels dropping to 62 %. Woke myself up back to stage 1 of sleep 384 times. Reached Full REM sleep only once, after they applied the CPAP at 15 cc oxygen saturation. No wonder I've always been tired, no energy. This explains SO much. Help and life changing treatment has arrived!

I have a wonderful job. I love it and I'm good at it. The pay isn't to shabby either. I'm due a  raise. Very...very...soon. Woohoo.

I continue you grow closer to my husband. Til  the days of past are a distant memory. Becoming less and less thought of with every passing day. To dub him wonderful....would be down playing him. I can't describe the adoration and connection we have. I'm thankful each and everyday that even at our worst. We had the strength to continue fighting for what we have. It's something worth having.

Watching my 10 year old become a young man. Seeing the realization of "growing" up in his eyes. I'm so proud to have this little person in my life. He's so smart and see's way to much to just be 10. I made him waffles with strawberries and cream this morning. Just for him. He was so taken aback, and felt so special. I wish he were here all the time. I love how his blue eyes sparkle when I've touched his heart. He's an emotional rollercoaster, as I'm learning is normal. As he grows I know I'll strugge to let go and let him learn. But, I want to beleive he'll glance back over his shoulder to make sure his Brandie is there...And I will be...Always..

My Nana is back in the nursing center. Her choice actually, and I'm so glad. Bittersweet.

My Mom is doing her thing. I swear she's like a teenage daughter sometimes LOL! The joys of being single.

The seriously disturbed cousin. Was arrested in August for peeping in a girls window. Court in October. Come on NC Judicial System...Don't fail me now.

Thats it folks... My life is functioning....my body is catching up. Thank you GOD for getting me here.

I'll write again soon. I PROMISE THIS TIME I MEAN IT!!!!!!!

All the Kings horses....

Hey Ya'll !!!!

It's been a while, and has it been a lovely little dust witch for me... I must say I'm glad that Summer is winding down. What a Summer it has been.

Lets go back to Mid-June, when NC and all Her glory...started dishing out 100 degee temps. Our little castle in Kings Mountain became a furnace. No matter what was done to our AC our house stayed at a constant 80-85 degrees. Um ew. I don't like to sweat when I'm not excercising. Ever. No exceptions. Ok, as if the heat isn't bad enough. We get our utility bill and its a whopping 400 dollars. WOWZERS!!! Chris and I had already gotten to the point of "wanting" to move. Just because things were not the same in our little house. TOO MUCH had happened there. It was indeed time for change. As we have changed. Our needs, wants, and ultimately hearts.

So we started looking for houses to buy. We found a ton of cute ones, we also found that we have an oppurtunity when his parents retire in about 3-5 years to buy their cute 3 bedroom ranch style house. That Chris and his Dad put in countless hours of blood,sweat, and more sweat to remodel. Cute house...So we decided to lease an apartment for 1 year, and see where the road leads us . I must say I LOVE THIS LITTLE APARTMENT. Yes yes we have to deal with the neighbors above, and their little 30-40 lbs elephant. (God forgive me I'm talking about their little girl.) But, its a nice refreshing coma inducing 72 degrees. LOVE IT. I have a dish washer DOUBLE LOVE. We didn't have to pay a deposit for our  pets TRIPLE LOVE. I purged 10 years of worthless crap CHRIS LOVES. It is nice to have only the things I absolutely love. Instead of toting around 20 totes of things I'd forgotten I had. LMAO @ toting totes.

Our move has refreshed us. Made us enjoy our togetherness. And just for the record, Chris was the manly man, I didn't have to work that hard. Granted I was exhausted, and I did more manual work than I've done in ages. But, he didn't get angry or bite my head off. Not even once.  I love that him and I have gotten back to the good, the sweet and the adoration of our relationship. Gah, I love that man.

My job is still peachy-keen. Loving it. There are things I need to work on. Seriously work on. But, I have things under control. I'm going to succeed.


Now, to the gossip portion of my blog. I know my readers just soak this stuff up!!! Update on the gross cousin. Whom, has now become a certified member of the "No, I don't know him. He's not related to me." Hall of Fame.
So, If you've read before you know the basis for why I don't even claim to share DNA. The jaws will drop at this next tidbit. This nasty bastard was arrested just last week for....wait for it.

Secret peeping and public masturbation. OMFG....again....OOMMFFGG!!!

Appearantly in a drunken stupor, he done this. And I am so glad he was caught. This has justified ever moment I've avoided, every family function I've not attended, every time I was looked at as a "liar". I mean EW!!!! Can you imagine had he NOT been caught?? What he may have been capable of?

Needless to say, I'm trying my best not to gloat. Not to wave my finger and pop my neck saying in my best ghetto fab rendition of "MMhMM I told your ass he was pervert". Chris said it was very lady like of me to NOT do this. But, he was gonna laugh it out for me.  Now, if the NC court system will just do some justice. Perhaps, if there's anything HUMANE left in the poor bastard, he'll get some help. Am I hopeful? Nope.

Ok on to better things. My Mom has a BOYFRIEND. Can you beleive it? I sure can't. And I loveeee him, he's such a sweetie. He opens doors, is at her beck and call, he gushes over her, and he knows I'm a Moma's girl.

All in all life is good. My lil handsome man starts 5th grade Wednesday. I hope he does well this year. I want to see him shine. <3

Gotta run for now. Work in the morning. I'll be back sooner than later this time I promise!!! XOXOXOOX

::Imagine me behind a podium with an award in my hand:: Can you see me? Ok....

First, I'd like to thank God without whom none of this would be possible.
A HUGE gargantuan(he loves that word) thanks to my husband. Who made it down this road with me. And we're stronger than ever. Learning that forgiveness is a 2 way street, and that it also mends a weary heart. I love you, til the end of time....
I'd also like to thank my family and friends (3) in particular De Anna, Susie, and Jamie. Whom have been stars in my sky leading me back to myself ( a better self).

::Oscar moment over:::

The first week at my new job was absolutely amazing. I even surprised myself a little. I knew I had my game face on going in, but I really did an awesome job. I have a wonderful mentor (Ruthie). She's just the right amount teacher and right amount office gossip. I LOVE IT! I'm headed to NJ tomorrow for a week of training and I'm prepared because of Ruthie.

It's awesome to be where I am....When I know where I was....

My job info :  I am a Billing Coordinator in the Accounting Department at Odyssey Overland (Odyssey Logistics and Technology). If you really know me, you'll know this is some what of a dream come true kinda job for me. I'll be managing one of the companies largest clients. Dial Chemicals, yes Dial soap etc. We make sure all of their Bio Hazard materials get to the destination of their choice, I make sure we get paid. LOL!!!!

I learned DOW corp last week, that's Clorox. I really caught on fast. Although the information coming in is always different. The "process" is the same. So it makes it easier to focus on incoming information once the "process" is learned. Yay! Me! I'm gonna do really good at this. My boss is also the greatest, she's focused, informative but doesn't micro-manage. She's great about letting me set my hours the way I want, so I get my evenings with Chris. Since he's working 3rd shift. It's a blessing to have our evenings together. 

All of the job things are so wonderful. My only struggle is allowing myself to relax...I'm here...I'm back... I've recovered from the "darkness". I wish to remain humble and thankful above all else. I learned a very hard lesson at age 32, its scarred my mentality. But, it has also made me stronger than I ever ever thought I could be. So its a bittersweet win-win because I have an awareness that I didn't have before. There's a sad place in my Psyche, I've locked the door and walked away from it. But, I'll always know its there. A reminder....Of where I never want to be again.

Now on to some funnies from me...the one and only Sunshine :)

1. I love my new kitten Nimbus...He's so lovey and playful. But, he's got really bad gas. He'll run you out of a room. And they are loud!!!!!
2. I've been reading the Eragon series. Chris has been trying to get me to for years. I had a hard time getting back into new stories after Twilight. Anywho... Now, that him and I can discuss it,(it's our Husband and Wife book club)(its a nice intimacy between him and I) I've learned he reads more REGALLY than me. Meaning, I'll read something and find the most southern way to say it....and he's more proper...regal.... so to that I say   =|~
3. Some people don't appreciate being a dork. I am a DORK. I am proud. Ex. : I don't think you have to be a hard ass 24-7 to be focused on anything...anytime... anywhere... I was at the grocery store and this lady had 10 gallons of milk in her buggy. I casually just said " Honey. it may me cheaper to just buy a cow!". Boy o boy, was she a tight ass ol bird. She just stink faced me... And I laughed and walked away!!! LOLLLL!
4. I want a bathroom with fluorescent lighting. Because, my make-up at home, and at work, look completely different.
5. I got a pair of Franco-Sarto heels on EBay, for 99 cents. New...99 cents. I paid 10.95 for shipping so $11.94 for an 80 dollar pair of heels. SAAAHWEEETTTT!!!!
6. It's ok to need a break from your kid. But, I still feel guilty for sending him to the grands for the weekend.
7. I don't like rum anymore. I had 2 drinks Friday night, and although I felt relaxed...I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I once would have.
8. Happiness is a state of mind.....but true happiness is in your heart.
9. I really want a pair of pink heels....Every girl should have pink ones. Right?
10. I'm still thinking of that dang purse at the flea market. ha ha

Off to Jersey for the week. Hoping I can find a Snooki look a like just so I can freak out Christian. He's so concerned I'm going the "Jersey Shore" without him.

Rehab and a series of Fortunate Events =)

Helllllo JULY! You beautiful, sultry, full of homegrown goodies, good tidings...oh and my birthday in 3 days. =) I smilllllle upon you.

I GOT A JOB!!!!  A REALLY GOOOOOOD JOB!!!! (Actually on JUNE 27th). So mad props to June as well. Can you tell I've been hanging out with my kid? Mad Props??? lmao

I love my husband and all his frugal glory, but am still thinking about the knock off Coach bag I seen at the flea market. It was only 22 dollars. I'm going back to get it. =|~

I've become addicted to a new Monster energy drink. And I'm saving myself 180 calories per can.
Monster Rehab Tea and Lemonade. Taste like Nestea in a can. 20 calories! Thats less than a soda. I'm sold. So now my Loca Moca's will be a special treat. Come on love handles get smaller. Please.
Oh, and to mirror my facebook status. Why do LEI jeans only fit when they FIT? I've lost maybe 10 or so pounds, I can not keep these things on my hips to save my life. I'm too chunky for a belt to sit that low, so I'm forced to retire my once fitting hip huggers, as they are now hip slippers. Yay for weight loss!!! Boo for cute jeans that don't stay put.

My mom is having laser eye surgery tomorrow. And I love her so, am so happy to get to see her. But, she is such a DIVA. I've never in my life seen or heard someone make such a fuss over a tiny painless surgery. Part of me knows its her secretly just wanting time with me. So, I'm giving in. Chris is sending a gift he made for her ages ago. She's going to have to refrain from crying. But, thats one of her favorite things to do is cry~!!!

The gift is a fairy door. Yes a fairy door. Don't you beleive in fairies? You totally should. It is said that if you have a fairy door, the fairies will bring you good luck and happiness. They prefer their own entrances so they don't disturb you by using the "human" door. See below. My own fairy door is black and silver, it matches our decoration. It's best if your door blends in, as fairies are secretive creatures and aren't converstation peices. But, they don't mind if you talk about their pretty doors. =) See below:

Things I've learned in one week (yes,yes, I already knew some of them):

1. You should never,ever, under any circumstance put a large knife in the drainer. (Cut on my pinkie to prove it) I generally dry it immediately and put it away. (DOH!)
2. Never expect your guest to help with an impromptu dinner invite. Food was great, le Chef (that's me) fed 4 adults and a 10 year old single handedly, on the spot, drinks, salads, main dishes. AND cleaned the KITCHEN.  ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! (The only dishwasher in this house is the God given ones that are attached to my arms). Needless to say, my new friend lost friend points. Yes I have my friends on a point system. Heyyyy, they are mine to do as I choose. HA!
3. When the tough going gets tough, the tough go shopping and find great deals.
4. It is virtually impossible to get a hormone raged 10 year old to go to bed at a decent hour. Without, bribes, promises of 3 course breakfasts and finally a threat from daddy. =)
5. Lunch dates with hiring managers are AWESOME! I'd forgotten the most important thing of all....THEY PAY!
6. That I'm a bit superstitious. I've been unemployed 7 months. My start date is in the 7th month.If you count actual business days, its the 7th day. WOW. And did I mention I'm over the &^^*^%-ing top about having this JOB! SWEET!
7. That my husband is acutely aware of my moods. Yet he sometimes misinterprets my facial expressions. Leading to meaningless squabbles about what kind of mood I'm in. DUDE, didn't you get the memo? I got a job. I'm elated right now.
8. I don't have enough shoes anymore. I must get more shoes.
9. Referring back to my previous blog. Wearing the stockings sucks. BUT, I cut the ends off of a few old pairs, I can now wear open toed heels, sandals and my beloved flip-flops. Since I wear jeans/slacks 100% of the time, you can't see the stockings, just my promenade pink toes. DOUBLE SWEET!!!!!
10. I really got to lay off the homegrown veggies. My tummy is not happy with me. LOL!

All in all I'm loving Summer. Fast approaching 33. Or rather my 12 year anniversary of being 21. ::wink::

Still thinking of that purse at the flea market.... :le sigh:

Personal Truths and Unbreakable Hearts

I must admit something. I haven't allowed myself to "admit" (at least not outside my own little box).  From August of last year til lets say February, I was less than human. Or completely human, depending on your views of emotional depression. I had a really bad Aug-Nov...REALLY BAD. I miscarried, and I didn't tell my husband. I retreated within myself secluding my emotional availability to my family. I felt I was hiding my pain ...hiding my depression...truthfully, I was just hiding. I've had moments in my life where I've hit bottom, but there was never anyone so closely attuned to me as my husband is. In those months I took his emotional need for me for granted. Not realizing the true schematics of a good marriage. That my husband NEEDED me.Feeling that if I just went about the day to days, I'd snap out of it.... I didn't.

Circumstances that I won't detail here, lead me to an awakening. It was coming, I could feel it inside of me, but I needed confirmation. I got it. And on came the out pour of truth, emotion, and ultimately rebuilding.

I miscarried again at the beginning of March. This time I was open, honest, and ya know what. It still hurt, but it hurt less. Because I had my husband beside me. What an amazing revelation! Husbands are YOUR husband for that very reason to stand beside you!

Since, the end of March, I've been more myself. The SUNSHINE everyone loves me as. Especially my husband. Lord knows the man deserves that. There's only one thing I'm struggling with. And that's to allow myself to put my guard down and just enjoy the normalcy of our bond. There was a lot of damage done. His and My own fault. I feel like (and this may seem a bit selfish and psycho) that had I been the only one "unpresent" during those months. We wouldn't have survived it. It helps because we are both guilty of failing each other in some way.  So instead of dwelling on it anymore. I'm making the commitment right now to let the guard down...tear down the wall...just enjoy it. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH.

If I had just one thing I could change, it'd be that my depression hadn't affected our lives as it did. Because now, if I'm just having a blue day. I see the worry in his eyes, is she leaving (emotionally) again. I'm not. I'm more in control of myself than ever before. I just have moments, I am a woman after all. When the hormones rage, and those stupid (although important) ASPCA commercials come on...or I see new born babies....it just shakes my foundation a little bit. I joined an online support group specializing in infertility, miscarriages, disorders. It really helped. To share my sadness with another woman, a stranger that was in the same place I was. I didn't and don't want pity. My biggest fear was honestly the wave of attention that this sort of situation brings. I didn't want to hear "I'm so sorry" or "It's Gods will". I was finally at a place to move on beyond the sadness after about 2 weeks. It is a grieving process, and as cliche' as it seems. There is a process. I felt each part of it, dealt with it. And now can function.

My doctors are at sort of a war with one another. I have a disorder called venous insufficiency its a nasty disorder where your veins go caput. The blood and fluid go down(circulation) but since the fluid is thinner than blood the fluid pools because my veins aren't strong enough to pump it back up. Causing, at best fluid retention (swollen ankles and calves). At worst horrible ulcers that look like tiny little burns. I have to wear compression stockings ever day. For this reason alone, I always wear pants. No shorts, no sundresses, no skirts, no Capri's. It's a very limiting disorder for someone that loves clothes.  It hinders me physically, I still function of course! I just have to be careful,to not cut myself shaving, not stay on my feet for hours and hours at a time. There's no cure, no treatment. Just the stockings. My only option. Boo. This I'm dealing with pretty well, I've actually came a long way since last year. My left leg is badly scarred from the ulcers, but since they have healed I've not had a flare up. It's been since November!!!! This is a big deal!!!! My point was, my Vascular Specialist says NO to the birth control. Because BC causes water retention. My OB/GYN says otherwise,  its the BC or I'll continue to miscarry. I have VERY good eggs and/but I have a toxic environment for a pregnancy. Weakened cells, anemia, B-12 deficiency, venous insufficiency. All of these things can be managed, one day we'll be able to be pregnant. I hope. If not, I know who will be beside me. And he'll not think me less of a woman, a wife, a mother to our son. He'll be what he was destined to be. Mine. That makes my heart soar. Because, as human, as wrong, as full blown princess syndrome as I can be. I'm his too. Completely.

Why ? Some may ask am I posting such personal information on my blog. My response is this. I've become so used to keeping things inside, that I've lost a huge space inside myself. That space is used for the good things, happy moments, and all around realllll gooooood stuff. So, in my mind, my emotional room is full. Full of all this other stuff. I want it out. For me getting it out is putting it here, virtual paper.

On Continues the Assertiveness...and its Repercussions ...BLECKKK.

Hold on folks ....this one promises to read like a screenplay for Jerry Springer. I'm going to be candid, sparing no names...no situation...nor feelings. The WOW factor is at an all time high. This is more than a vent, its the perfect spot to unload all of these words without being "seen" or "heard". Because for one, the person its about would never find this...and Second, even if they do...well, its been a long time coming.

Ok, lets hop in our time machine to December 2001. 10 long years ago, when my family (my DNA) was intact. My grandfather was alive. I was 22, carefree, and way skinnier. I loved my family ALL of them. My cousin whom is exactly 30 days younger than me was like a brother to me. We'd grown up side by side. Our biggest difference (other than gender) being he went to A.L. Brown, and I was a Spider (still am).
He had the cutest little girlfriend we welcomed her to our close-knit family with open arms. We dubbed her CindyLouWho, because she was tiny, blonde and well it was Christmas so the name stuck. Well, as relationships sometime go sour, theirs did. We were all a bit upset, but ultimately it wasn't our field to plow.  Well, strangely 4 months later, she's seen and she's pregnant. But absolutely denies that the father is my cousin. Case closed..Right? (to be cont)

It seems that dear ol brother cousin of mine didn't take the break up too well. He began partying more, drinking more....just staight down "that" road. In Feb. of 2003 I moved to Kannapolis, happy with my new job, happy to be close to my friends and family again. I invited my cousin over for a little BBQ, yes BBQ in Feb ...I know. We had a few drinks, well he had enjoyed a few before he came, and a few more than me while grilled etc. I beleive you can see a pattern here. Well, around 11-ish the biggest, most appalling, disgusting, who the H#LL do you think you are comment came out of his mouth. My cousin made a pass at me. A blatant , intentional, shut the front door pass. SLAP !!!! Yes, in true southern-belle style I slapped his dirty nasty face.

Pause for dramatic effect.......................

Still with me? Ok, thank GOD my mother was there. I woke my mom and informed her that we had a situation. (The Sitch was unavailable for comment here). She and I took him home to his parents house. Without stopping in for explanation. I spent the remainder of the night in shock. The next day, I went to his house and confronted him about how gross and inappropriate he had been. His response "I'm glad you got that off your chest, now YOU can feel better" EXCUSE ME??????? WHAT????REALLY???? Needless to say, I do not attend family functions where he will be there for this reason alone. I make plans to see my family on alternate days. Other than 2 number changes (my number) and a handful of screaming cursing conversations pertaining to his lifestyle and utter disrespect. He is dead to me.

NOW.... remember the pregnant girl? Well, low and behold about a year ago she resurfaces. In true Maury style.... Gross Drunkard DeadBeat of a Cousin Brother....YOU ARE THE FATHER. Like I didn't see that one coming. So we as a family wait, myself willing to brave the bastard of a mother shut your mouth cousin, to see this precious little boy that has been born into the madness. And we wait. Wait. A year passes and I've had enough. I reach out to the mother, turns out she's no prize winning mom, but she made the conscience decision to give the child to her mother to care for him. He's been with his grandmother since age 2. So I call her, tell her I have no intention of associating with my cousin, that my intent is solely for my own 74 year old grandmother to see her ONLY great grandchild. The conversation was awkward but, we made it through. (This was just days ago mind you).

GUESS WHO IS P.O.'d ??? You guessed it. The cousin. He's so mad that I went behind his back. HUH? Don't you need to be a part of the childs life before you start dealing out terms and conditions? And furthermore, at last check I am a grown woman, perfectly capable of making a phone call and explaining my intentions. Bastard. So now, him, his mother, his father. Are all mad at me. Well, if there was some secret reasoning for NOT contacting the child. Let someone know, because from my stand point...They are all 3 doing this child a HUGE injustice. His parents pay the child support for him.... Let him live with them.... He's approaching 33....has a child...no job...an alcohol problem... and I'm in the wrong? Puh-lease.  Raised by a single Mom, I have NO problem expressing my views on pieces of crap like him. My intent is genuine, the child should know that his paternal family is not full of rejection and shame. That he has family that is good, and wants to know him. Everyone wants to point the finger at me, that I'm doing something SOOOOO wrong. When I feel I'm the most rational normal one out of the equation. Not to mention my husband and I are parenting a child that biologically belongs to neither of us. We love our son with all that we are, DNA does not bind us together... LOVE does. And here this sorry excuse for a human, has a blood born child and denies him? Shuns his family for trying to bridge a ten year gap?

This one folks, is for the great Man upstairs to sort out in my heart. Prayer is my only option.
I had to rid my mind of all the "drama". Thank you Blog. Thank you readers. As Jerry Springer says "Take care of yourself, and each other."

Assertiveness and Taking a Stand...

This message kind of goes hand in hand with my previous one about patience.

On facebook there was a little "event" for June 15,2011  "Take no Shit Day". I clicked attend, wanting to add something cute to my day to day happenings. Who woulda thought I'd take it to such extremes.

Read On for details.

Pertaining to the interview that I had last week. I was told the position was put on hold for whatever reason. Fine. Ok. Humph. Well, in an attempt to stay in the forefront of my recruiters mind (the position is through a temp to hire staffing agency) I sent out an email letting her know the best ways to contact me on various days. *Because I have errands to run, and don't want to miss a single call or email* NOW...The responses I get back are riddled with typos. The answers are short. The content seems a little on the "biting my head off in email" nature.  So, I went out on a limb, sent an email to the lady that actually landed me the interview AFTER my info had sat on my recruiters desk for MONTHS. And spilled the beans, from a professional stand point of course. Because, I am so aggressively seeking employment I want whoevers helping me to be on point just as much as I am. What if she sends over some details about me and the email to the client is full of typos. How does that reflect on me? I can imagine Corporate Joe reading this email thinking to himself..."Well she can't even spell, whats that say for the potential employee?" Ya know what I mean???? So in honor of TNS Day... I've stood my ground...went out on a limb...if it ruins the oppurtunity so be it. I'll keep ya posted.

 I know what I stand for....and how to spell it. RESPECT. If it's not given, its earned, and if you can't earn it. I don't want it.

How's that for being more positive today?

Patience and More patience....

Since November of last year I have been looking for a job. Circumstances, and in my opinion a bit of maliciousness, led me to losing my job of 3 years. I've went on countless interviews, took a class at the community college, and submitted my resume to hundreds of businesses.  It seems I get right to the job and something always happens. The position becomes obselete, they chose the other candidate, the contract for the job is lost, it will be another week (that week never comes). I'm starting to wonder exactly what the problem is. Is it me? What flaw of mine is holding me back so much? Is karma shelling out its wrath? Then I'm grounded by my faith, knowing that if I allow the devil to control my thinking I'll never get anywhere. Oh, what a challenge this is. But, I know its not me, in a recovering economy even available jobs are affected by the fluctuation of the market. Still, I know there are countless others that have been unemployed for years. I can NOT handle that.... I want to work, I'm prepared to go to work tomorrow morning should the oppurtunity arrise. I'm so tired of being at home. I'm not stay at home wife material. I like making money and contributing to the goals of my family. Not to say I don't enjoy cooking for my husband and son. I do. But, I find myself feeling boxed in, with the crunch in finances and Heaven knows gas prices. Its hard to justify going for a "ride". Or to just go window shop. So, I'm here at home. Today was a productive day, I mopped all the floors, cleaned out the laundry room, found more stuff for the yard sale. I feel better on days like this when I can see results. Which is all I'm seeking. Results. I had a wonderful interview last Thursday, was told I have the position they just have to go through the motions. Then get an email this morning the jobs on hold. WHAT? AGAIN? NO! ^$&#**%^#  =( I have to stay positive. I have to keep my chin up. I have to believe that this is it. But, what if.... See...its so easy to 2nd guess and give into the duldrums. Boo. I just wanna go to work. Period. (And at a job thats worth my time and money). I am so sick of being a statistic of unemployment. When I KNOW I'm worthy of such a blessing. For now, I'm thankful that Chris has his new job, (which he got in like a weeks time...yes, really). And my house smells fresh and clean. I have a husband that loves me, and we've been through worse. So add me to your prayers, ask the Lord to shine on me, to lead me, and place me where he wants me to be. (I have a hard time beleiving he wants me to be stuck in this house forever).

Thankful =)

I awoke this morning, to a 10 yr old. Yes, my little munkin is now pre-teen. Wow! It really does feel like yesterday he was small enough to fit in my lap. I met Chris when Christian was 4 just turning 5. So, lucky me I got to enjoy the sweetest years while skipping over the terribles... I've always loved kids and they love me for the most part. My moms always said I've got that "Mommy-magnet"... Chris would argue that its not a magnet, its the well he's a man I'm sure you can figure it out.  ANYWAY!

From the instant I laid eyes on our lil blue eyed wonder, I've been his. He wasted no time playing in my long hair, scooting around behind me on the couch so he could touch it, comb it, pile it, knot it.... before tiring of hair and moving to my lap to cuddle and give his daddy a sly smile. For the longest time I thought he was gloating to daddy cause he got my affection.... I now realize it was part of the magic the two of them bring to my life. Now, the three of us function as a family, there is no feeling like an outsider peeking in on something special. I belong, quite frankly (and wholeheartedly) I'm owned. My guys own me, its not as detaching as it sounds. But,  now as I look at this growing young man in front of me. I long for the days he did fit in my lap, so sweet and sticky (as only a 5 year old can be). He was actually the first to tell me he loved me. Even before his daddy said the magic word. We were about to leave for dinner and I had went to get the car seat in place. Christian came bombing out the door. "Brandie ... Brandie.... You are pretty and beautiful....and I LOVE YOU~!!!" I was goner before then but boy did that seal the deal. It's true the love of a child is one of the purest most honest emotions you will ever feel. I know that.... I feel each time he "needs" me. The first time he asked me to do something and not daddy. Something important, like tucking him in, or fixing an ouchie. Motherhood, is not for the faint hearted... another quote I understand more and more with each year that passes. No, I'm not his mom... But I am his Step-Mom...I prefer Bonus Mom and so does he.  I'm thankful, cause I know, in the future when hotwheels are traded for girlfriends and hotrods. And the world gets real for our lil man. I'll be the one he turns too to fix the ouchies... That I've earned that spot in his heart.

Happy Birthday to my Bonus Son....Thankful am I to be so Lucky.

I'm here .... Finally and Again

For months I have coveted an old high school friends blog. Wanted to have something so special and awesome to call my own. Well, here I am...a beginner... this should be fun!!!! Check back soon, I just may run wild with this thing.