Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Personal Truths and Unbreakable Hearts

I must admit something. I haven't allowed myself to "admit" (at least not outside my own little box).  From August of last year til lets say February, I was less than human. Or completely human, depending on your views of emotional depression. I had a really bad Aug-Nov...REALLY BAD. I miscarried, and I didn't tell my husband. I retreated within myself secluding my emotional availability to my family. I felt I was hiding my pain ...hiding my depression...truthfully, I was just hiding. I've had moments in my life where I've hit bottom, but there was never anyone so closely attuned to me as my husband is. In those months I took his emotional need for me for granted. Not realizing the true schematics of a good marriage. That my husband NEEDED me.Feeling that if I just went about the day to days, I'd snap out of it.... I didn't.

Circumstances that I won't detail here, lead me to an awakening. It was coming, I could feel it inside of me, but I needed confirmation. I got it. And on came the out pour of truth, emotion, and ultimately rebuilding.

I miscarried again at the beginning of March. This time I was open, honest, and ya know what. It still hurt, but it hurt less. Because I had my husband beside me. What an amazing revelation! Husbands are YOUR husband for that very reason to stand beside you!

Since, the end of March, I've been more myself. The SUNSHINE everyone loves me as. Especially my husband. Lord knows the man deserves that. There's only one thing I'm struggling with. And that's to allow myself to put my guard down and just enjoy the normalcy of our bond. There was a lot of damage done. His and My own fault. I feel like (and this may seem a bit selfish and psycho) that had I been the only one "unpresent" during those months. We wouldn't have survived it. It helps because we are both guilty of failing each other in some way.  So instead of dwelling on it anymore. I'm making the commitment right now to let the guard down...tear down the wall...just enjoy it. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH.

If I had just one thing I could change, it'd be that my depression hadn't affected our lives as it did. Because now, if I'm just having a blue day. I see the worry in his eyes, is she leaving (emotionally) again. I'm not. I'm more in control of myself than ever before. I just have moments, I am a woman after all. When the hormones rage, and those stupid (although important) ASPCA commercials come on...or I see new born just shakes my foundation a little bit. I joined an online support group specializing in infertility, miscarriages, disorders. It really helped. To share my sadness with another woman, a stranger that was in the same place I was. I didn't and don't want pity. My biggest fear was honestly the wave of attention that this sort of situation brings. I didn't want to hear "I'm so sorry" or "It's Gods will". I was finally at a place to move on beyond the sadness after about 2 weeks. It is a grieving process, and as cliche' as it seems. There is a process. I felt each part of it, dealt with it. And now can function.

My doctors are at sort of a war with one another. I have a disorder called venous insufficiency its a nasty disorder where your veins go caput. The blood and fluid go down(circulation) but since the fluid is thinner than blood the fluid pools because my veins aren't strong enough to pump it back up. Causing, at best fluid retention (swollen ankles and calves). At worst horrible ulcers that look like tiny little burns. I have to wear compression stockings ever day. For this reason alone, I always wear pants. No shorts, no sundresses, no skirts, no Capri's. It's a very limiting disorder for someone that loves clothes.  It hinders me physically, I still function of course! I just have to be careful,to not cut myself shaving, not stay on my feet for hours and hours at a time. There's no cure, no treatment. Just the stockings. My only option. Boo. This I'm dealing with pretty well, I've actually came a long way since last year. My left leg is badly scarred from the ulcers, but since they have healed I've not had a flare up. It's been since November!!!! This is a big deal!!!! My point was, my Vascular Specialist says NO to the birth control. Because BC causes water retention. My OB/GYN says otherwise,  its the BC or I'll continue to miscarry. I have VERY good eggs and/but I have a toxic environment for a pregnancy. Weakened cells, anemia, B-12 deficiency, venous insufficiency. All of these things can be managed, one day we'll be able to be pregnant. I hope. If not, I know who will be beside me. And he'll not think me less of a woman, a wife, a mother to our son. He'll be what he was destined to be. Mine. That makes my heart soar. Because, as human, as wrong, as full blown princess syndrome as I can be. I'm his too. Completely.

Why ? Some may ask am I posting such personal information on my blog. My response is this. I've become so used to keeping things inside, that I've lost a huge space inside myself. That space is used for the good things, happy moments, and all around realllll gooooood stuff. So, in my mind, my emotional room is full. Full of all this other stuff. I want it out. For me getting it out is putting it here, virtual paper.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

On Continues the Assertiveness...and its Repercussions ...BLECKKK.

Hold on folks ....this one promises to read like a screenplay for Jerry Springer. I'm going to be candid, sparing no situation...nor feelings. The WOW factor is at an all time high. This is more than a vent, its the perfect spot to unload all of these words without being "seen" or "heard". Because for one, the person its about would never find this...and Second, even if they do...well, its been a long time coming.

Ok, lets hop in our time machine to December 2001. 10 long years ago, when my family (my DNA) was intact. My grandfather was alive. I was 22, carefree, and way skinnier. I loved my family ALL of them. My cousin whom is exactly 30 days younger than me was like a brother to me. We'd grown up side by side. Our biggest difference (other than gender) being he went to A.L. Brown, and I was a Spider (still am).
He had the cutest little girlfriend we welcomed her to our close-knit family with open arms. We dubbed her CindyLouWho, because she was tiny, blonde and well it was Christmas so the name stuck. Well, as relationships sometime go sour, theirs did. We were all a bit upset, but ultimately it wasn't our field to plow.  Well, strangely 4 months later, she's seen and she's pregnant. But absolutely denies that the father is my cousin. Case closed..Right? (to be cont)

It seems that dear ol brother cousin of mine didn't take the break up too well. He began partying more, drinking more....just staight down "that" road. In Feb. of 2003 I moved to Kannapolis, happy with my new job, happy to be close to my friends and family again. I invited my cousin over for a little BBQ, yes BBQ in Feb ...I know. We had a few drinks, well he had enjoyed a few before he came, and a few more than me while grilled etc. I beleive you can see a pattern here. Well, around 11-ish the biggest, most appalling, disgusting, who the H#LL do you think you are comment came out of his mouth. My cousin made a pass at me. A blatant , intentional, shut the front door pass. SLAP !!!! Yes, in true southern-belle style I slapped his dirty nasty face.

Pause for dramatic effect.......................

Still with me? Ok, thank GOD my mother was there. I woke my mom and informed her that we had a situation. (The Sitch was unavailable for comment here). She and I took him home to his parents house. Without stopping in for explanation. I spent the remainder of the night in shock. The next day, I went to his house and confronted him about how gross and inappropriate he had been. His response "I'm glad you got that off your chest, now YOU can feel better" EXCUSE ME??????? WHAT????REALLY???? Needless to say, I do not attend family functions where he will be there for this reason alone. I make plans to see my family on alternate days. Other than 2 number changes (my number) and a handful of screaming cursing conversations pertaining to his lifestyle and utter disrespect. He is dead to me.

NOW.... remember the pregnant girl? Well, low and behold about a year ago she resurfaces. In true Maury style.... Gross Drunkard DeadBeat of a Cousin Brother....YOU ARE THE FATHER. Like I didn't see that one coming. So we as a family wait, myself willing to brave the bastard of a mother shut your mouth cousin, to see this precious little boy that has been born into the madness. And we wait. Wait. A year passes and I've had enough. I reach out to the mother, turns out she's no prize winning mom, but she made the conscience decision to give the child to her mother to care for him. He's been with his grandmother since age 2. So I call her, tell her I have no intention of associating with my cousin, that my intent is solely for my own 74 year old grandmother to see her ONLY great grandchild. The conversation was awkward but, we made it through. (This was just days ago mind you).

GUESS WHO IS P.O.'d ??? You guessed it. The cousin. He's so mad that I went behind his back. HUH? Don't you need to be a part of the childs life before you start dealing out terms and conditions? And furthermore, at last check I am a grown woman, perfectly capable of making a phone call and explaining my intentions. Bastard. So now, him, his mother, his father. Are all mad at me. Well, if there was some secret reasoning for NOT contacting the child. Let someone know, because from my stand point...They are all 3 doing this child a HUGE injustice. His parents pay the child support for him.... Let him live with them.... He's approaching 33....has a alcohol problem... and I'm in the wrong? Puh-lease.  Raised by a single Mom, I have NO problem expressing my views on pieces of crap like him. My intent is genuine, the child should know that his paternal family is not full of rejection and shame. That he has family that is good, and wants to know him. Everyone wants to point the finger at me, that I'm doing something SOOOOO wrong. When I feel I'm the most rational normal one out of the equation. Not to mention my husband and I are parenting a child that biologically belongs to neither of us. We love our son with all that we are, DNA does not bind us together... LOVE does. And here this sorry excuse for a human, has a blood born child and denies him? Shuns his family for trying to bridge a ten year gap?

This one folks, is for the great Man upstairs to sort out in my heart. Prayer is my only option.
I had to rid my mind of all the "drama". Thank you Blog. Thank you readers. As Jerry Springer says "Take care of yourself, and each other."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Assertiveness and Taking a Stand...

This message kind of goes hand in hand with my previous one about patience.

On facebook there was a little "event" for June 15,2011  "Take no Shit Day". I clicked attend, wanting to add something cute to my day to day happenings. Who woulda thought I'd take it to such extremes.

Read On for details.

Pertaining to the interview that I had last week. I was told the position was put on hold for whatever reason. Fine. Ok. Humph. Well, in an attempt to stay in the forefront of my recruiters mind (the position is through a temp to hire staffing agency) I sent out an email letting her know the best ways to contact me on various days. *Because I have errands to run, and don't want to miss a single call or email* NOW...The responses I get back are riddled with typos. The answers are short. The content seems a little on the "biting my head off in email" nature.  So, I went out on a limb, sent an email to the lady that actually landed me the interview AFTER my info had sat on my recruiters desk for MONTHS. And spilled the beans, from a professional stand point of course. Because, I am so aggressively seeking employment I want whoevers helping me to be on point just as much as I am. What if she sends over some details about me and the email to the client is full of typos. How does that reflect on me? I can imagine Corporate Joe reading this email thinking to himself..."Well she can't even spell, whats that say for the potential employee?" Ya know what I mean???? So in honor of TNS Day... I've stood my ground...went out on a limb...if it ruins the oppurtunity so be it. I'll keep ya posted.

 I know what I stand for....and how to spell it. RESPECT. If it's not given, its earned, and if you can't earn it. I don't want it.

How's that for being more positive today?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Patience and More patience....

Since November of last year I have been looking for a job. Circumstances, and in my opinion a bit of maliciousness, led me to losing my job of 3 years. I've went on countless interviews, took a class at the community college, and submitted my resume to hundreds of businesses.  It seems I get right to the job and something always happens. The position becomes obselete, they chose the other candidate, the contract for the job is lost, it will be another week (that week never comes). I'm starting to wonder exactly what the problem is. Is it me? What flaw of mine is holding me back so much? Is karma shelling out its wrath? Then I'm grounded by my faith, knowing that if I allow the devil to control my thinking I'll never get anywhere. Oh, what a challenge this is. But, I know its not me, in a recovering economy even available jobs are affected by the fluctuation of the market. Still, I know there are countless others that have been unemployed for years. I can NOT handle that.... I want to work, I'm prepared to go to work tomorrow morning should the oppurtunity arrise. I'm so tired of being at home. I'm not stay at home wife material. I like making money and contributing to the goals of my family. Not to say I don't enjoy cooking for my husband and son. I do. But, I find myself feeling boxed in, with the crunch in finances and Heaven knows gas prices. Its hard to justify going for a "ride". Or to just go window shop. So, I'm here at home. Today was a productive day, I mopped all the floors, cleaned out the laundry room, found more stuff for the yard sale. I feel better on days like this when I can see results. Which is all I'm seeking. Results. I had a wonderful interview last Thursday, was told I have the position they just have to go through the motions. Then get an email this morning the jobs on hold. WHAT? AGAIN? NO! ^$&#**%^#  =( I have to stay positive. I have to keep my chin up. I have to believe that this is it. But, what if.... See...its so easy to 2nd guess and give into the duldrums. Boo. I just wanna go to work. Period. (And at a job thats worth my time and money). I am so sick of being a statistic of unemployment. When I KNOW I'm worthy of such a blessing. For now, I'm thankful that Chris has his new job, (which he got in like a weeks time...yes, really). And my house smells fresh and clean. I have a husband that loves me, and we've been through worse. So add me to your prayers, ask the Lord to shine on me, to lead me, and place me where he wants me to be. (I have a hard time beleiving he wants me to be stuck in this house forever).