Saturday, September 7, 2013

And so the trip began...

Alot can be said for a 30-something year old woman setting out on the road alone. For a 1700 mile drive. With a cat.

As I said in my previous entry the emotionally draining part of all this, was accepting what had happened. Also, not having a CLUE as to what was supposed to happen next. And ultimately, making a move across country.


There were things to get in order, such as a tune up on the car, new brakes, oil change etc. Mundane everyday things. I found myself so numb. Emotionless when it came to "normal". Auto-Pilot? Maybe. I was so wrapped up inside myself, and maintaining my composure it all became a blur. I am not anti-gun by any means. But, I don't own one. So, I purchased some pepper-spray and my best friend (bless her) gave me a hammer to stow beside my seat. Really?? A hammer?? Well, her intentions were beautiful. I love my Hammer...his name is Thor. :) Next packing my car, I have a lot of clothes,shoes, purses, keepsakes, notebooks, photos, etc. You see where this is going. Somehow, I got it all in there. Actually, thanks to my bestie and my Mom. We military rolled and compacted. WE MADE IT HAPPEN. Then there was my sweet cat Nimbus. Ok he's not that sweet, he's a male Manx. He is spoiled. He owns my heart. I insisted that he have a proper bathroom for this trip. Therefore the entire passenger side was his. No, exceptions. The floorboard became the "restroom" his little covered potty fit perfectly. His crate (luxury size) was in the seat. I even bought one of those sunshades people use for their kids. So he could see out but not be hot, or heaven forbid get sunburnt. ;-) He had a plush blanket and his favorite toy (although he didn't even play with it). I was determined my handsome man would at the very least be comfortable. He was my companion over countless miles, he deserved to ride in style.

Setting Out:

The morning I was set to leave, I kissed my teary-eyed Moma and promised to call. A LOT. Meaning every 100 miles in her book. My mother may be bat-poo crazy. But, I love her with all the love a daughter should. My mother has never stood in my way. She's given advice, she's also chewed my butt out. All in all, she's always encouraged me to follow my heart, my whims, my dreams. Letting me find my own way, trusting that I would make good decisions and stay strong. I thank her often for planting those seeds in my life. Because, of her I was able to stand up for myself, not be a doormat, and chase a new dream....Even if I wasn't sure how anymore.

The Open Road :

I wish I could say that I remember every moment. I must admit that the first "leg" of my trip is a blur. I remember Asheville and thinking I could just live there forever. I love that city. I remember crying as I crossed the state line into Tennesee, and thinking to myself "This is really happening." I can't explain the feeling of being so sad and so excited at the same time. I mean who gets to do this kinda thing??? Well, recently seperated women in their thirties get to.... ::sigh:: 

I've never been one to listen to country music, my genre has a huge spectrum from Classical to Grunge Metal. There was a memory attached to country music of my first love and I never really wanted to revisit it. I kept all of his memories (God rest him) seperate from every part of my life. But, there's something to be said about emotional Holocaust. You feel everything you've ever kept inside. Again.
So around GORGEOUS Knoxville I had the urge to listen. Why not make this trip an experience in music, emotion, beautiful scenery and coffee (lol)?  What rule book states that I must be a hot mess? If I'm going to be alone in my car for 3 days, I'm going to do some soul searching, heart mending, let the emos roll self therapy!!! I stopped at K-ville S-bucks and had a Tall Mocha Latte' the biggest sin in my life!!! Downloaded every old 80's-90's country song I could think of and set out for Nashville. Pretending I could actually play guitar... and well at least I CAN sing. Chasing a dream of being the next Dolly Parton or Shania Twain. My singer name was Jacqueline Jones. Cause it sounded elegant and common. It was so much fun to just live in that moment. Sing those old songs, cry when they made me sad, press the gas when I was feeling free, and just be myself. Being carefree and not thinking of my yesterdays or tomorrow. Just that day. The state of Tennesee is absolutely gorgeous. Rolling highways, the Great Smokies, and really clean bathrooms!!! Chattanooga is a fun name to say. I mean this state has it all. I decided I will retire to Tennesee, Gatlinburg if possible. The miles stretched on and I felt safe, enjoying myself for the most part.I'm going to sound so Forrest Gump right now. But, when I got hungry. I ate. When I got tired. I stopped. When I got bored. I sang. Trully Day 1 was so much fun!!! I reached Kentucky by nightfall and sang Blue Moon of Kentucky keep on shining... These moments may sound cheesy but I was having the time of my life!!!

*Nimbus Log - My feline casanova, slept. Drank water, mewled at me a few times. Got that dreamy prince look on his face when I sang. He did really good.

My next entry will be about nightfall in Kentucky and Illinois, finding a pet friendly hotel, and Nimbus at the hotel. (Really can't wait to tell his story.)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

She's back!

Hey y'all!

I know its been forever. I really thought I had created another blog. But I can't find it anywhere.


I decided to revamp this one and take it in stride.
(Non-disclosure statement of sorts)
***I have no desire or intention to use this to bash my ex-husband. However, I'm sure in laying some ground work it is bound to happen. I apologize now for that. But, let it be known there are no hard feelings, matter of fact. :tilts head: There are no feelings at all attached to the former. Understood? Great. Let's move on to the fun stuff.***

WOW so its been a long time since I last shared. So I'm going to touch on some hi-lites and revisit the past in a timeline format. K??? ;-)

In July of 2012 I made the decision to leave my husband. Because of circumstances beyond my control. I can forgive someone once for a mistake. Twice IS A CHOICE. Especially, when there is *seemingly* a common goal between the two of you. Sometimes people lose sight of their goals because they are too weak to admit they can't. Or they are too selfish to think beyond themselves. Sometimes things just don't work. You can not make wrong right. Nor can you trust someone when they shatter it...again.

I have never been so scared in my life. Where do I go? What do I say to people? What about my precious Christian? What about my job? What about me? Imagine these questions in a vortex swirling up the fragments of your broken heart and exhausted mind! In true Southern girl fashion..... I went to my MOMA. I spent 3 days in full blown hermit stage, in my old sweats,kleenex box in the bed, covers over my head. Then like a scene out of  a really good chick flick I got mad. I'm talking Angela Bassett (Waiting to Exhale) MAD!
I have never tapped into that inner "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" part of myself. But, I tell ya what. I didn't take it out on Chris. I mean why should I give him the satisfaction. NO. I got my ass out of that bed. Did my hair and make-up, looked myself in the eyes and said. I WILL NOT LET THIS BREAK ME.

So begins the next phase.

I am fortunate to have amazing friends all over the USA. I contacted an old friend/ex. Not with romantic intent. Please lets not go there.  Simply this man knows ME. And we had a long history of saving each other from ourselves since our twenties. So, the decision was made. I was going to South Dakota to rebuild myself. ROAD TRIP!!!!!! YAYYYY!!! I was so so so so excited. Yes this is what I needed! Nothing says "I'm done", like moving 1700 miles across the country. Right? Little did  I know I would change more than just my address. My entire being was about to be transformed. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually. Everything put into perspective. Everything. Praise the Lord. It is Him that set me free.

Things I experienced on the road:
3.Sensory Overload
4.Emotional Outburst of the 3rd Kind
5.Pet Bonding Level: EXPERT
6.Public Restroom Phobia vs. No choice
8.Pet friendly hotels ??? Anyone?
9.For the love of ICED COFFEE
10.Nobody knows it but me

It is my full intention to do a break 0ut explaining all of these. Some very serious. Others just for fun!

As this trip began my journey to new awareness of self. I really don't want to focus on 2011-12. We can just chalk that up to a hard lesson learned. So help me stay on track guys I know you want to hear about my journey. And I really want to share. :-) Summer 2012 to Summer 2013 has been an amazing year. With ups, downs, a few U-turns but ultimately a beautiful ride.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Have you seen her lately? My goodness she looks FABULOUS!

I look back just one year ago, and am astonished at how far I have come in just 365. Last September, I was at the beginning of a medical diagnosis, at the end of a dead end job, and in the middle of fighting a war within my heart.

Just 365 days later.....

I have found a wonderful doctor. That in 2 short weeks has "rediagnosed". Set a treatment plan. And in just 9 days of treatment, I can see DRASTIC improvement in my legs. I can not even begin to explain the joy this is bringing to my personal war with my health and my appearance. I mean wow, if I were less vain I'd post pictures. But, alas  I can not bear that the world know what I've been fighting. Just believe, a new... better... healthier (perhaps more vain) alas, happier ME is in full view. I've lost 5 lbs in 1 week. (Mind you I do battle edema and fluid retention standard dieting rules don't apply just yet). The amount of fluid gone from legs amounts to at least 1 lb. Add the rest of my body thats (fluid) thats another. And 3  lbs of natural (or unnatural) weightless. And TADAA 5 lbs. I have also been diagnosed with severe Sleep Apnea. I stopped breathing 192 times in 4 hours my oxygen levels dropping to 62 %. Woke myself up back to stage 1 of sleep 384 times. Reached Full REM sleep only once, after they applied the CPAP at 15 cc oxygen saturation. No wonder I've always been tired, no energy. This explains SO much. Help and life changing treatment has arrived!

I have a wonderful job. I love it and I'm good at it. The pay isn't to shabby either. I'm due a  raise. Very...very...soon. Woohoo.

I continue you grow closer to my husband. Til  the days of past are a distant memory. Becoming less and less thought of with every passing day. To dub him wonderful....would be down playing him. I can't describe the adoration and connection we have. I'm thankful each and everyday that even at our worst. We had the strength to continue fighting for what we have. It's something worth having.

Watching my 10 year old become a young man. Seeing the realization of "growing" up in his eyes. I'm so proud to have this little person in my life. He's so smart and see's way to much to just be 10. I made him waffles with strawberries and cream this morning. Just for him. He was so taken aback, and felt so special. I wish he were here all the time. I love how his blue eyes sparkle when I've touched his heart. He's an emotional rollercoaster, as I'm learning is normal. As he grows I know I'll strugge to let go and let him learn. But, I want to beleive he'll glance back over his shoulder to make sure his Brandie is there...And I will be...Always..

My Nana is back in the nursing center. Her choice actually, and I'm so glad. Bittersweet.

My Mom is doing her thing. I swear she's like a teenage daughter sometimes LOL! The joys of being single.

The seriously disturbed cousin. Was arrested in August for peeping in a girls window. Court in October. Come on NC Judicial System...Don't fail me now.

Thats it folks... My life is body is catching up. Thank you GOD for getting me here.

I'll write again soon. I PROMISE THIS TIME I MEAN IT!!!!!!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

All the Kings horses....

Hey Ya'll !!!!

It's been a while, and has it been a lovely little dust witch for me... I must say I'm glad that Summer is winding down. What a Summer it has been.

Lets go back to Mid-June, when NC and all Her glory...started dishing out 100 degee temps. Our little castle in Kings Mountain became a furnace. No matter what was done to our AC our house stayed at a constant 80-85 degrees. Um ew. I don't like to sweat when I'm not excercising. Ever. No exceptions. Ok, as if the heat isn't bad enough. We get our utility bill and its a whopping 400 dollars. WOWZERS!!! Chris and I had already gotten to the point of "wanting" to move. Just because things were not the same in our little house. TOO MUCH had happened there. It was indeed time for change. As we have changed. Our needs, wants, and ultimately hearts.

So we started looking for houses to buy. We found a ton of cute ones, we also found that we have an oppurtunity when his parents retire in about 3-5 years to buy their cute 3 bedroom ranch style house. That Chris and his Dad put in countless hours of blood,sweat, and more sweat to remodel. Cute house...So we decided to lease an apartment for 1 year, and see where the road leads us . I must say I LOVE THIS LITTLE APARTMENT. Yes yes we have to deal with the neighbors above, and their little 30-40 lbs elephant. (God forgive me I'm talking about their little girl.) But, its a nice refreshing coma inducing 72 degrees. LOVE IT. I have a dish washer DOUBLE LOVE. We didn't have to pay a deposit for our  pets TRIPLE LOVE. I purged 10 years of worthless crap CHRIS LOVES. It is nice to have only the things I absolutely love. Instead of toting around 20 totes of things I'd forgotten I had. LMAO @ toting totes.

Our move has refreshed us. Made us enjoy our togetherness. And just for the record, Chris was the manly man, I didn't have to work that hard. Granted I was exhausted, and I did more manual work than I've done in ages. But, he didn't get angry or bite my head off. Not even once.  I love that him and I have gotten back to the good, the sweet and the adoration of our relationship. Gah, I love that man.

My job is still peachy-keen. Loving it. There are things I need to work on. Seriously work on. But, I have things under control. I'm going to succeed.

Now, to the gossip portion of my blog. I know my readers just soak this stuff up!!! Update on the gross cousin. Whom, has now become a certified member of the "No, I don't know him. He's not related to me." Hall of Fame.
So, If you've read before you know the basis for why I don't even claim to share DNA. The jaws will drop at this next tidbit. This nasty bastard was arrested just last week for....wait for it.

Secret peeping and public masturbation. OMFG....again....OOMMFFGG!!!

Appearantly in a drunken stupor, he done this. And I am so glad he was caught. This has justified ever moment I've avoided, every family function I've not attended, every time I was looked at as a "liar". I mean EW!!!! Can you imagine had he NOT been caught?? What he may have been capable of?

Needless to say, I'm trying my best not to gloat. Not to wave my finger and pop my neck saying in my best ghetto fab rendition of "MMhMM I told your ass he was pervert". Chris said it was very lady like of me to NOT do this. But, he was gonna laugh it out for me.  Now, if the NC court system will just do some justice. Perhaps, if there's anything HUMANE left in the poor bastard, he'll get some help. Am I hopeful? Nope.

Ok on to better things. My Mom has a BOYFRIEND. Can you beleive it? I sure can't. And I loveeee him, he's such a sweetie. He opens doors, is at her beck and call, he gushes over her, and he knows I'm a Moma's girl.

All in all life is good. My lil handsome man starts 5th grade Wednesday. I hope he does well this year. I want to see him shine. <3

Gotta run for now. Work in the morning. I'll be back sooner than later this time I promise!!! XOXOXOOX

Sunday, July 17, 2011

::Imagine me behind a podium with an award in my hand:: Can you see me? Ok....

First, I'd like to thank God without whom none of this would be possible.
A HUGE gargantuan(he loves that word) thanks to my husband. Who made it down this road with me. And we're stronger than ever. Learning that forgiveness is a 2 way street, and that it also mends a weary heart. I love you, til the end of time....
I'd also like to thank my family and friends (3) in particular De Anna, Susie, and Jamie. Whom have been stars in my sky leading me back to myself ( a better self).

::Oscar moment over:::

The first week at my new job was absolutely amazing. I even surprised myself a little. I knew I had my game face on going in, but I really did an awesome job. I have a wonderful mentor (Ruthie). She's just the right amount teacher and right amount office gossip. I LOVE IT! I'm headed to NJ tomorrow for a week of training and I'm prepared because of Ruthie.

It's awesome to be where I am....When I know where I was....

My job info :  I am a Billing Coordinator in the Accounting Department at Odyssey Overland (Odyssey Logistics and Technology). If you really know me, you'll know this is some what of a dream come true kinda job for me. I'll be managing one of the companies largest clients. Dial Chemicals, yes Dial soap etc. We make sure all of their Bio Hazard materials get to the destination of their choice, I make sure we get paid. LOL!!!!

I learned DOW corp last week, that's Clorox. I really caught on fast. Although the information coming in is always different. The "process" is the same. So it makes it easier to focus on incoming information once the "process" is learned. Yay! Me! I'm gonna do really good at this. My boss is also the greatest, she's focused, informative but doesn't micro-manage. She's great about letting me set my hours the way I want, so I get my evenings with Chris. Since he's working 3rd shift. It's a blessing to have our evenings together. 

All of the job things are so wonderful. My only struggle is allowing myself to relax...I'm here...I'm back... I've recovered from the "darkness". I wish to remain humble and thankful above all else. I learned a very hard lesson at age 32, its scarred my mentality. But, it has also made me stronger than I ever ever thought I could be. So its a bittersweet win-win because I have an awareness that I didn't have before. There's a sad place in my Psyche, I've locked the door and walked away from it. But, I'll always know its there. A reminder....Of where I never want to be again.

Now on to some funnies from me...the one and only Sunshine :)

  1. I love my new kitten Nimbus...He's so lovey and playful. But, he's got really bad gas. He'll run you out of a room. And they are loud!!!!!
  2. I've been reading the Eragon series. Chris has been trying to get me to for years. I had a hard time getting back into new stories after Twilight. Anywho... Now, that him and I can discuss it,(it's our Husband and Wife book club)(its a nice intimacy between him and I) I've learned he reads more REGALLY than me. Meaning, I'll read something and find the most southern way to say it....and he's more proper...regal.... so to that I say   =|~
  3. Some people don't appreciate being a dork. I am a DORK. I am proud. Ex. : I don't think you have to be a hard ass 24-7 to be focused on anything...anytime... anywhere... I was at the grocery store and this lady had 10 gallons of milk in her buggy. I casually just said " Honey. it may me cheaper to just buy a cow!". Boy o boy, was she a tight ass ol bird. She just stink faced me... And I laughed and walked away!!! LOLLLL!
  4. I want a bathroom with fluorescent lighting. Because, my make-up at home, and at work, look completely different.
  5. I got a pair of Franco-Sarto heels on EBay, for 99 cents. New...99 cents. I paid 10.95 for shipping so $11.94 for an 80 dollar pair of heels. SAAAHWEEETTTT!!!!
  6. It's ok to need a break from your kid. But, I still feel guilty for sending him to the grands for the weekend.
  7. I don't like rum anymore. I had 2 drinks Friday night, and although I felt relaxed...I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I once would have.
  8. Happiness is a state of mind.....but true happiness is in your heart.
  9. I really want a pair of pink heels....Every girl should have pink ones. Right?
  10. I'm still thinking of that dang purse at the flea market. ha ha

Off to Jersey for the week. Hoping I can find a Snooki look a like just so I can freak out Christian. He's so concerned I'm going the "Jersey Shore" without him.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Rehab and a series of Fortunate Events =)

Helllllo JULY! You beautiful, sultry, full of homegrown goodies, good tidings...oh and my birthday in 3 days. =) I smilllllle upon you.

I GOT A JOB!!!!  A REALLY GOOOOOOD JOB!!!! (Actually on JUNE 27th). So mad props to June as well. Can you tell I've been hanging out with my kid? Mad Props??? lmao

I love my husband and all his frugal glory, but am still thinking about the knock off Coach bag I seen at the flea market. It was only 22 dollars. I'm going back to get it. =|~

I've become addicted to a new Monster energy drink. And I'm saving myself 180 calories per can.
Monster Rehab Tea and Lemonade. Taste like Nestea in a can. 20 calories! Thats less than a soda. I'm sold. So now my Loca Moca's will be a special treat. Come on love handles get smaller. Please.
Oh, and to mirror my facebook status. Why do LEI jeans only fit when they FIT? I've lost maybe 10 or so pounds, I can not keep these things on my hips to save my life. I'm too chunky for a belt to sit that low, so I'm forced to retire my once fitting hip huggers, as they are now hip slippers. Yay for weight loss!!! Boo for cute jeans that don't stay put.

My mom is having laser eye surgery tomorrow. And I love her so, am so happy to get to see her. But, she is such a DIVA. I've never in my life seen or heard someone make such a fuss over a tiny painless surgery. Part of me knows its her secretly just wanting time with me. So, I'm giving in. Chris is sending a gift he made for her ages ago. She's going to have to refrain from crying. But, thats one of her favorite things to do is cry~!!!

The gift is a fairy door. Yes a fairy door. Don't you beleive in fairies? You totally should. It is said that if you have a fairy door, the fairies will bring you good luck and happiness. They prefer their own entrances so they don't disturb you by using the "human" door. See below. My own fairy door is black and silver, it matches our decoration. It's best if your door blends in, as fairies are secretive creatures and aren't converstation peices. But, they don't mind if you talk about their pretty doors. =) See below:

Things I've learned in one week (yes,yes, I already knew some of them):

  1. You should never,ever, under any circumstance put a large knife in the drainer. (Cut on my pinkie to prove it) I generally dry it immediately and put it away. (DOH!)
  2. Never expect your guest to help with an impromptu dinner invite. Food was great, le Chef (that's me) fed 4 adults and a 10 year old single handedly, on the spot, drinks, salads, main dishes. AND cleaned the KITCHEN.  ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! (The only dishwasher in this house is the God given ones that are attached to my arms). Needless to say, my new friend lost friend points. Yes I have my friends on a point system. Heyyyy, they are mine to do as I choose. HA!
  3. When the tough going gets tough, the tough go shopping and find great deals.
  4. It is virtually impossible to get a hormone raged 10 year old to go to bed at a decent hour. Without, bribes, promises of 3 course breakfasts and finally a threat from daddy. =)
  5. Lunch dates with hiring managers are AWESOME! I'd forgotten the most important thing of all....THEY PAY!
  6. That I'm a bit superstitious. I've been unemployed 7 months. My start date is in the 7th month.If you count actual business days, its the 7th day. WOW. And did I mention I'm over the &^^*^%-ing top about having this JOB! SWEET!
  7. That my husband is acutely aware of my moods. Yet he sometimes misinterprets my facial expressions. Leading to meaningless squabbles about what kind of mood I'm in. DUDE, didn't you get the memo? I got a job. I'm elated right now.
  8. I don't have enough shoes anymore. I must get more shoes.
  9. Referring back to my previous blog. Wearing the stockings sucks. BUT, I cut the ends off of a few old pairs, I can now wear open toed heels, sandals and my beloved flip-flops. Since I wear jeans/slacks 100% of the time, you can't see the stockings, just my promenade pink toes. DOUBLE SWEET!!!!!
  10. I really got to lay off the homegrown veggies. My tummy is not happy with me. LOL!

All in all I'm loving Summer. Fast approaching 33. Or rather my 12 year anniversary of being 21. ::wink::

Still thinking of that purse at the flea market.... :le sigh:

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Personal Truths and Unbreakable Hearts

I must admit something. I haven't allowed myself to "admit" (at least not outside my own little box).  From August of last year til lets say February, I was less than human. Or completely human, depending on your views of emotional depression. I had a really bad Aug-Nov...REALLY BAD. I miscarried, and I didn't tell my husband. I retreated within myself secluding my emotional availability to my family. I felt I was hiding my pain ...hiding my depression...truthfully, I was just hiding. I've had moments in my life where I've hit bottom, but there was never anyone so closely attuned to me as my husband is. In those months I took his emotional need for me for granted. Not realizing the true schematics of a good marriage. That my husband NEEDED me.Feeling that if I just went about the day to days, I'd snap out of it.... I didn't.

Circumstances that I won't detail here, lead me to an awakening. It was coming, I could feel it inside of me, but I needed confirmation. I got it. And on came the out pour of truth, emotion, and ultimately rebuilding.

I miscarried again at the beginning of March. This time I was open, honest, and ya know what. It still hurt, but it hurt less. Because I had my husband beside me. What an amazing revelation! Husbands are YOUR husband for that very reason to stand beside you!

Since, the end of March, I've been more myself. The SUNSHINE everyone loves me as. Especially my husband. Lord knows the man deserves that. There's only one thing I'm struggling with. And that's to allow myself to put my guard down and just enjoy the normalcy of our bond. There was a lot of damage done. His and My own fault. I feel like (and this may seem a bit selfish and psycho) that had I been the only one "unpresent" during those months. We wouldn't have survived it. It helps because we are both guilty of failing each other in some way.  So instead of dwelling on it anymore. I'm making the commitment right now to let the guard down...tear down the wall...just enjoy it. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH.

If I had just one thing I could change, it'd be that my depression hadn't affected our lives as it did. Because now, if I'm just having a blue day. I see the worry in his eyes, is she leaving (emotionally) again. I'm not. I'm more in control of myself than ever before. I just have moments, I am a woman after all. When the hormones rage, and those stupid (although important) ASPCA commercials come on...or I see new born just shakes my foundation a little bit. I joined an online support group specializing in infertility, miscarriages, disorders. It really helped. To share my sadness with another woman, a stranger that was in the same place I was. I didn't and don't want pity. My biggest fear was honestly the wave of attention that this sort of situation brings. I didn't want to hear "I'm so sorry" or "It's Gods will". I was finally at a place to move on beyond the sadness after about 2 weeks. It is a grieving process, and as cliche' as it seems. There is a process. I felt each part of it, dealt with it. And now can function.

My doctors are at sort of a war with one another. I have a disorder called venous insufficiency its a nasty disorder where your veins go caput. The blood and fluid go down(circulation) but since the fluid is thinner than blood the fluid pools because my veins aren't strong enough to pump it back up. Causing, at best fluid retention (swollen ankles and calves). At worst horrible ulcers that look like tiny little burns. I have to wear compression stockings ever day. For this reason alone, I always wear pants. No shorts, no sundresses, no skirts, no Capri's. It's a very limiting disorder for someone that loves clothes.  It hinders me physically, I still function of course! I just have to be careful,to not cut myself shaving, not stay on my feet for hours and hours at a time. There's no cure, no treatment. Just the stockings. My only option. Boo. This I'm dealing with pretty well, I've actually came a long way since last year. My left leg is badly scarred from the ulcers, but since they have healed I've not had a flare up. It's been since November!!!! This is a big deal!!!! My point was, my Vascular Specialist says NO to the birth control. Because BC causes water retention. My OB/GYN says otherwise,  its the BC or I'll continue to miscarry. I have VERY good eggs and/but I have a toxic environment for a pregnancy. Weakened cells, anemia, B-12 deficiency, venous insufficiency. All of these things can be managed, one day we'll be able to be pregnant. I hope. If not, I know who will be beside me. And he'll not think me less of a woman, a wife, a mother to our son. He'll be what he was destined to be. Mine. That makes my heart soar. Because, as human, as wrong, as full blown princess syndrome as I can be. I'm his too. Completely.

Why ? Some may ask am I posting such personal information on my blog. My response is this. I've become so used to keeping things inside, that I've lost a huge space inside myself. That space is used for the good things, happy moments, and all around realllll gooooood stuff. So, in my mind, my emotional room is full. Full of all this other stuff. I want it out. For me getting it out is putting it here, virtual paper.