I must admit something. I haven't allowed myself to "admit" (at least not outside my own little box). From August of last year til lets say February, I was less than human. Or completely human, depending on your views of emotional depression. I had a really bad Aug-Nov...REALLY BAD. I miscarried, and I didn't tell my husband. I retreated within myself secluding my emotional availability to my family. I felt I was hiding my pain ...hiding my depression...truthfully, I was just hiding. I've had moments in my life where I've hit bottom, but there was never anyone so closely attuned to me as my husband is. In those months I took his emotional need for me for granted. Not realizing the true schematics of a good marriage. That my husband NEEDED me.Feeling that if I just went about the day to days, I'd snap out of it.... I didn't.
Circumstances that I won't detail here, lead me to an awakening. It was coming, I could feel it inside of me, but I needed confirmation. I got it. And on came the out pour of truth, emotion, and ultimately rebuilding.
I miscarried again at the beginning of March. This time I was open, honest, and ya know what. It still hurt, but it hurt less. Because I had my husband beside me. What an amazing revelation! Husbands are YOUR husband for that very reason to stand beside you!
Since, the end of March, I've been more myself. The SUNSHINE everyone loves me as. Especially my husband. Lord knows the man deserves that. There's only one thing I'm struggling with. And that's to allow myself to put my guard down and just enjoy the normalcy of our bond. There was a lot of damage done. His and My own fault. I feel like (and this may seem a bit selfish and psycho) that had I been the only one "unpresent" during those months. We wouldn't have survived it. It helps because we are both guilty of failing each other in some way. So instead of dwelling on it anymore. I'm making the commitment right now to let the guard down...tear down the wall...just enjoy it. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH.
If I had just one thing I could change, it'd be that my depression hadn't affected our lives as it did. Because now, if I'm just having a blue day. I see the worry in his eyes, is she leaving (emotionally) again. I'm not. I'm more in control of myself than ever before. I just have moments, I am a woman after all. When the hormones rage, and those stupid (although important) ASPCA commercials come on...or I see new born babies....it just shakes my foundation a little bit. I joined an online support group specializing in infertility, miscarriages, disorders. It really helped. To share my sadness with another woman, a stranger that was in the same place I was. I didn't and don't want pity. My biggest fear was honestly the wave of attention that this sort of situation brings. I didn't want to hear "I'm so sorry" or "It's Gods will". I was finally at a place to move on beyond the sadness after about 2 weeks. It is a grieving process, and as cliche' as it seems. There is a process. I felt each part of it, dealt with it. And now can function.
My doctors are at sort of a war with one another. I have a disorder called venous insufficiency its a nasty disorder where your veins go caput. The blood and fluid go down(circulation) but since the fluid is thinner than blood the fluid pools because my veins aren't strong enough to pump it back up. Causing, at best fluid retention (swollen ankles and calves). At worst horrible ulcers that look like tiny little burns. I have to wear compression stockings ever day. For this reason alone, I always wear pants. No shorts, no sundresses, no skirts, no Capri's. It's a very limiting disorder for someone that loves clothes. It hinders me physically, I still function of course! I just have to be careful,to not cut myself shaving, not stay on my feet for hours and hours at a time. There's no cure, no treatment. Just the stockings. My only option. Boo. This I'm dealing with pretty well, I've actually came a long way since last year. My left leg is badly scarred from the ulcers, but since they have healed I've not had a flare up. It's been since November!!!! This is a big deal!!!! My point was, my Vascular Specialist says NO to the birth control. Because BC causes water retention. My OB/GYN says otherwise, its the BC or I'll continue to miscarry. I have VERY good eggs and/but I have a toxic environment for a pregnancy. Weakened cells, anemia, B-12 deficiency, venous insufficiency. All of these things can be managed, one day we'll be able to be pregnant. I hope. If not, I know who will be beside me. And he'll not think me less of a woman, a wife, a mother to our son. He'll be what he was destined to be. Mine. That makes my heart soar. Because, as human, as wrong, as full blown princess syndrome as I can be. I'm his too. Completely.
Why ? Some may ask am I posting such personal information on my blog. My response is this. I've become so used to keeping things inside, that I've lost a huge space inside myself. That space is used for the good things, happy moments, and all around realllll gooooood stuff. So, in my mind, my emotional room is full. Full of all this other stuff. I want it out. For me getting it out is putting it here, virtual paper.